Here I Am

Current mood: contemplative

On March 17th, 2000, my good friend Jessica Rose passed away. So St Patrick's day is always a reminder of when I found out. Jessica had pneumonia and before I even knew she was in the hospital, I heard that she had died. Tragically enough, the pneumonia didn't kill her, the doctors at Meadville Medical Center punctured her lung while trying to drain fluids. I was a senior in high school, several months away from graduation.
Strangely enough, I've not really told anyone that I've met since then about Jessica. It's kind of a private and really sad thing for me. In high school I had a really close group of friends, and honestly now, I speak to only one or two of those people on a regular basis. The majority of the people I knew from then I have completely lost touch with.
It's been five years since I went to Jessica's funeral. I rode there with Erika, and then came back to an empty apartment. I don't remember where my roommates were, I just remember I felt as empty inside as the apartment was, usually filled with friends... They played Counting Crows, Long December at the funeral- a closed casket.
It just seems so crazy that people that were so important to me at the time, I now don't even know where they are. Sometimes life just seems like it's such a depressing cycle of people coming into my life, and then leaving without a trace. What do I have to show for all the friendships that I've lost. Sometimes I haven't always had the time or energy to keep in touch with people in different cities. I have my own problems and life to worry about, but it just sucks. I miss everyone, even in the present as I struggle to hang onto my friends who now live in different cities or I've grown apart from. Is it even worth trying to hold onto the past, should I just find new friends to replace the old ones. I mean, I guess it's inevitable that that will happen, it just seems to happen too fast, and leaves me feeling empty.

Currently listening: Long December By Counting Crows Release date: By 15 June, 1999

3:07 PM

So I didn't go to work yesterday or today. I woke up yesterday and could barely breath... After a couple minutes of coughing, I managed to call in sick. I felt a little better today, but still not 100%, so I stayed home again. Matt didn't go to class yesterday and stayed here. We stayed in bed most of the day. He made me dinner, and then around 11 we ventured up to Seminole just to get some ice cream from Baskin Robbins.
Matt had to go to work today, so I'm sitting around the house contemplating cleaning my room or doing laundry. I don't know what else I'm gonna do today, it turned out to be an awesome day. I hope one day this weekend is nice enough to go to the beach. I want to get some color. I haven't had any real oppurtunity to tan since before Christmas...
Walter called me this afternoon on his way to work to ask if he could move in sometime next week. I asked if David would be able to take him to get his driver's permit sometime before they have to work, but Walt said David probably wouldn't wake up before he had to be at work. It's funny how David and Asshole tried so hard to get Walter down here, and are completely unwilling to exert even the smallest effort to help him. I thought the whole point of getting him down here was so that he could be better off than he was in Pittsburgh. I'm starting to think there was a more selfish motive involved... hmmm... More on this later I'm sure.
So I will be taking Walter to get his permit on Saturday, I have to find one of the offices that is open limited hours on Saturday, but I know there is one. It's probably a better idea for him to get his permit in Pinellas anyways, since he's gonna be living here.
So yeah, I'm gonna get off of here and clean a little bit while I watch this movie. I'm still working on my website. I think eventually when I get it up and running I'm gonna post my blogs on there. I like having more control over the display and all that. I'll probably still post them on here, I suppose, that's simple enough copy and paste.
Well, if anyone is bored today and wants to hang out, hit me up: johnnyg0017 on AIM. Later ~ johnny

6:30 PM

Current mood: ill

So, new developments of the Matthew kind. Matt emailed me Sunday night and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while. I went over to his house yesterday to talk to him. It was good to see him. Several hours and some makeup sex later, we had resolved some things, and I think we both felt a lot better. Things between us were going really well, and it's my sincere hope that we can get back to that. Also, Matt said three words to me: I love you. It felt good to hear. Matt is the best thing to happen to me in a while. And Matt, I didn't say it back because I don't yet. Yet being the key word in that sentence. I care a lot about you. Unfortunately, I've been through bad situations and I've been hurt before, and I guess it's a tough thing for me. But it will happen, so don't be discouraged.
Anyways, I woke up this morning feeling like shit. My throat is so sore, and I have a general lack of energy. I have this sinus/throat thing that I just cannot seem to kick. I know some other people that have had it and they told me it lasts almost a month off and on. I thought I was over it, but now here I am again, feeling like I just want to lay down and sleep the day away.
Well, I hung out with Walter on Saturday evening, neither of us felt like going out, so we just chilled at my house for a while. I was still feeling ill from the alcohol poisoning I probably had from Friday night. We talked and listened to music, and also looked up car insurance quotes for him. He really needs to get his license and insurance so he can move in. Living with David and Asshole is getting him kinda depressed from what he told me. I can understand that. Living out of suitcases and sleeping on a couch gets you down after a while. And those two aren't exactly the most positive people anyways.
I dunno, I hope everything works out with that. I'm sure it will. I tend to believe in the opposite of Murphy's Law, I forget what it is called though, it's just that everything will work out in the end...

Currently listening: Freshmen [US #1] By The Verve Pipe Release date: By 27 January, 1997

3:01 PM

So I went out last night. I had a lot of fun. Yay. I went to Chambers with my friend Jiganesh. I almost didn't go, cuz Matt told me that he was gonna be there, and I didn't want him or one of his friends to start shit. But Jiganesh convinced me.
I saw David there, he was shady as usual, but came up to me long enough to say, "I'm just drunk enough to tell you why I'm mad at you. I heard what you said about Joe's little friend, and you ashed in his car..." I told him I didn't care, and that he could be mad as long as he wants cause I'm over it. Honestly, David has been my friend for years. Lately though, David has wanted nothing to do with me. I've put so much effort into calling that boy, attempting to hang out with him, etc., to no avail. He doesn't return my phone calls, and when I rarely get to see him, he's drunk and/or stoned. So, I'm done with putting the effort in. I'm tired of the shadyness. So David, too little too late. Sorry. And for the record, yes, I ashed in Adam's car, and I told Joe that his boyfriend had nasty teeth and was ugly. He is... lol. And I don't care who knows that I think so. And that is all that I have to say on that subject.
Anyways, I got pretty drunk last night and was kinda friendly on the dance floor. I saw Ralph, my ex from October there. Last time I saw him was at Chambers in November. It's kinda wierd... lol He was with some guy, of course, and was like, attached at the waist to him all night. I kinda think that's how he is, really clingy. But oh well. We made eye contact and I wasn't sure if it was him, and I saw him checking me out a couple times during the night, which was fun. Um, what else. I saw Lantree and Kevin, my former neighbors from Clearwater. Lantree is very cute, just for the record. I talked to them as they were leaving, but I was quite intoxicated at that point. As everyone was leaving, I introduced myself to this guy, John, that I always see at Alibi. John is adorable, and kinda reminds me of my friend Rodney from PA. I also was talking to Tatiana/JT, John's friend, who was pretty fun.
It was a good time. Unfortunately, I got sick on the car ride home. Thankfully I wasn't driving, that would've been a definite bad thing. I totally started throwing up out the window, I think somewhere along 275. It was gross. Sorry Jiganesh, I'll totally buy you a car wash. I walked in the door of my house and totally ran into a bookshelf and somehow made it to the bathroom, where I sat for a while, unable to throw up anymore. I couldn't really in the first place. I threw up the alcohol and then just heaved. Grossness. All I had to eat yesterday was some chips at lunch. Er, I'm dumb...
Wow, I just went into detail about my regurgitation process, sorry about that. lol
OK, well, today I'm about to work on my website and change my front brake pads. I bought rear brakes shoes, but I need to go to a different store to buy drums, cause mine are kinda rusty and I want new ones! I might just wait until tomorrow to do that. The front pads are easy to change though- they're disc brakes. I've never replaced the rear ones though, and drum brakes are a tad more complicated. Oh well. Me doing car repairs is the gayest thing ever. lol. It'll be especially fun with my hangover... Oh well. Later.

Currently listening: Reflections [Japan Bonus CD] By Paul Van Dyk Release date: By 20 October, 2003

7:19 PM

Current mood: rushed

Hey Everyone!
I'm home on my lunch break from work. Making a list of things I have to do when I'm done with work, and over the weekend. I have to do some shopping for important stuff, get some work done on my car, and work on my newly registered website. I'm excited, it's been a while since I had a domain name. For those of you who don't know, I went to school for web design, but really haven't pursued jobs in that field for a while. I am gonna put up a portfolio, which is exciting.
What else? Well, I'm definitely going out tonite. I had a stressful week and I need to have an enjoyable Friday evening. That's about it for now. I really sould eat on my lunch breaks... lol. That hour always goes by way to quickly for me.
Oh, and on a side note, Memorial Day, I'm going to Pennsylvania for probably about a week. I have some vacation time burning a hole.

Currently listening: Walking Wounded By Everything But the Girl Release date: By 21 May, 1996

3:02 PM

Current mood: betrayed

OK, so I have been dating this boy Matt for almost a month now. I've been spending every spare moment with Matt. I really enjoy being with him and getting to know him. I've been spending so much time with him in fact, that I'm barely home, and when I'm home, he's here too. So my house was a mess, unpaid bills were lying everywhere, you get the picture. I told him that I needed a little bit more time to myself. Apparently that gave him the right to look through the sent text messages on my phone. Oh yeah, while I was sleeping in the bed next to him.
I wake up at 1:30 in the morning on a work night and Matt's pacing my room yelling. I was totally disoriented and didn't know what was going on. He yelled at me, demanding I explain some text messages that I had sent to my ex while I was drunk, and then when I didn't, demanding for his clothes out of my closet. So I grabbed his clothes, and at that point, was just trying to get him out the door before he could wake up my roommates.
Locking the door behind him, I prompty fell back to sleep.
But wait, boys and girls, the fun doesn't end. I just talked to him, and apparently, he went home and talked to my ex. They had a nice little chat, you can read about it here: Joe and Matt.
It really sucks, cuz I liked Matt a lot, and things were going well with him. If only he wasn't paranoid and jealous things could've gone well. And then his journal entry made me feel like shit also. Damn, this is just turning out to be a crappy day.
And OK, bad situation here, my two best friends from Pittsburgh live with Joe, and despite my best efforts, David has been so shady to me for the past month and I don't even know why. I haven't done anything to him. The only day recently he returned my calls was so that I could get him pot. So I dunno, I feel like I've lost Joe, David and Walter as friends and Matt as a boyfriend. It's too much for me to deal with all at once. I really don't have anyone else to talk to... So now I'm gonna listen to some music and make dinner for myself.
Sincerely,
Fucker

Currently listening: Early Years By Madonna Release date: By 22 January, 2002

9:11 PM

Current mood: shocked

From: support@apple.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. XXX

We are sorry to hear that you had problems with your computer at such an
early stage. However, a final report on your computer was done and the
conclusion was that the computer crashed due to ubiquitous amounts of gay
pornography on the hard drive. While it is not apple's goal to discriminate
against people of different orientations, it is our goal to lead our
customers to safe internet experiences.


Apple
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is an exact copy and paste from support@apple.com. My friend bought a new ibook less than 6 months ago and the hard drive was faulty. After giving him the run around for about a month, and finally replacing the hard drive about 2 weeks ago, he gets this email.
First of all, the problem is fixed, the customer is happy, why send out an ignorant email? Second of all, I think Apple computer, and graphics, music, and VIDEO come to mind. Macs are made to be multimedia computers. How and why they would possibly blame their faulty hard drive on videos, regardless of the content of the video, is beyond me. THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE MADE FOR. And support@apple.com, my friend wants his porn back...

I own an older model ibook, and use it frequently for many different purposes. Seeing the way that Apple behaved toward this customer makes me seriously not want to ever purchase an Apple product. The attitude seems to be to sell something, and then not give a damn whether it works 6 months later or not. I dunno...

12:01 AM

Current mood: happy

"They mades a sharp tern an smashed my's side. My knee busted open an she came up axking 'What do we'ze do?' I'ze grabbed my cell an I told her, don't knows about you, I'ze calling 1-800Ax-Gary, I ain't playing"

6:55 PM

Current mood: pensive

It has been so long since I've posted on here, I don't even know where to start. Um... Well, work is going well, I have a boyfriend now, my friend Walter from Pittsburgh is moving down here, and my car is fucked up.

Yeah, I am hoping to get a promotion at work within the next week or so. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but more on that later. I don't want to jinx myself.

I got a new cell phone, it's fabulous... I was so tired of my other one, I'm so glad I don't have to be seen in public with that thing anymore. Yeah, it was that bad. Consequently, after getting the new phone, my first flip phone, btw, I was attached to it 24/7 for several days, and I'm quite scared of seeing my phone bill. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be like that commercial where the phone bill breaks the dining room table... Ouch.

OK, so Matt, my boyfriend. How'd that happen? Well, we met at Starbucks, and that was a month ago tomorrow. We've only been dating for a couple weeks though. Matt is super sweet and funny and oh yeah, hot... LOL. Hi Matt! He's coming over later after he gets off work.
Matt lives in North Tampa, so it's a little far, but up until this point that hasn't really been an issue.

Last Thursday, on my way to work, I put my foot on the brake, and it went all the way to the floor. I lost almost all brake pressure. I drove like an elderly person the rest of the way to work. I was only a couple blocks away, so that's a good thing.
I took my car to a garage last night, and the guy called me at work this morning at 8:30 and told me it was gonna be at least a grand to fix it. There are some other problems going on as well, but that is just so overwhelming. I just got my Florida plates and license plate and switched over my insurance, which, let me tell ya, is not cheap. And now my car is undrivable. ARGH. Such is life... I need a cigarette.

Ah, much better now. I really should write in this thing more often...

So yeah, Walter is coming down to live in Tampa. He will be here on Sunday. I'm so excited, I can't wait to see him.

OK, that's it for now. I'm gonna go eat something now.

Currently listening: L'Amour Toujours By Gigi D'Agostino Release date: By 21 August, 2001

9:01 PM

Current mood: apathetic

So I had a good 3rd day at work. I got to learn some new things, which is always fun.

On my lunch break, I talked to my friend David. He had today off of work and he said to call him after I was home. So I called him after I had been home for about an hour, and all night, it's been, come over, oh no, don't come over, i'm busy, ok, i'm not doing that now, i'll be home, oh, i'm going out now. So I'm finally around 9:30 I just told him that if he didn't say he would be home and that I should leave, it would be too late, and not to call me back. So he said he was gonna be out, but that he'd give me a call tomorrow. OK, this is the 3rd day in a row that he has done the same shit to me.

I can't do anything tomorrow night cuz I have to work at 6:30 AM. So whatever, I don't really want to hang out in some dive bar and drink beer or go to his house and smoke pot, so it's not really that big of a loss. It just bothers me. I guess cuz David and I used to be pretty close. I've known him for 3 and a half years now. Anyways, so he said he'd call me on Friday to do something. Either, A) He will "forget" to call me. B) I'll find something better to do or someone else to hang out with, or both.

I'm actually really excited about this weekend. It's my first weekend since I've started working again, so that's kinda cool. Also, I'm gonna have a little bit of money that I won't have to be all frugal with cuz I have a steady paycheck now. So it'll be fun. Since I go into work early on Friday, I get out early, which will be nice. I think I'll probably go to Chambers just for the hell of it. I went last week, but I went so late, and was already pretty drunk by the time I got there. Also, I saw an ex there, and he had to come up and say hello and give me and my roommate hugs. Honestly, I'd be happier if he pretended he didn't know who I was or that he didn't see me or something.

So yeah, this week has been good as far as work goes, but I'm still adjusting to staying home on weeknights. I'm used to going out whenever I felt like it and staying out as late as I want. Blah...
Anyways, I need to run to the store to get some smokes. If anyone wants to hang out this weekend, I'm down. Write me.
Later,
Johnny

1:40 AM

Current mood: restless

OK, so can I just rant here for a second... I think I need to stop worrying about other people's problems and take care of myself for a minute. I take so much time and energy and devote it to what other people, friends and lovers, need, that I just don't feel like I have any left for me. Blah. I don't want to be like, the convenient friend that people hang out with when their other friends diss them. Cuz when I'm feeling down, they're too busy.
So I think I'm done with all my one sided relationships.
Believe it or not, my day actually went pretty well up until a certain point, and then it all went to shit. But yeah, I'm tired now, so I'm gonna have a smoke and head to bed. Goodnight everyone.

2:34 AM

Current mood: accomplished

OK, so I had a crazy weekend... Actually, it seemed like my weekend kinda started on Wednesday night. I went to a friends house and drank beer and watched Ab Fab and Shrek 2. I had lots of fun, and think I have a slight crush.
So on Thursday morning, I drove over to David's Dad's house where we were having thanksgiving dinner. David's Dad was out of town, so David didn't buy the turkey until that morning. A frozen turkey... So it took us a while to figure out how to cook the damn thing. But David, Joe, Jay and I drank coffee and switched over to wine at some point. I convinced David to swim in the pool with me, the water was freezing, but it was fun. We ate around 9PM. I called my Mom and wished her a Happy Thanksgiving at some point, trying not to sound too drunk. People stopped by periodically throughout the day, and I ended up getting a lot of pictures on my digital camera, which I'll end up putting in my Yahoo! photo album eventually.
I kinda slept in late on Friday. David had gone to work at 9:30. Joe and Jay had to wait for me to get myself up and motivated so they could go home cuz they had drove there with David. We dropped Joe off and then Jay and I went to International Mall for several hours. It was crazy busy, but kinda fun. They had some store that I had never seen before that didn't have a name anywhere that I could see. It was dark inside and consisted of lots of hallways and little rooms with clothes in them, and lots of mirrors everywhere. Very confusing...
But yeah, dropped Jay off at his house in St. Pete and came home for the first time in days to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my roommate Mike's family at my house. After eating, I kinda hibernated in my room and took a shower. Mike asked me if I wanted to go out, and if I would drive. I said sure. So Mike, his friend, Tim, from Minneapolis, and me went to the Male Room, City Side and then ended up at Chambers.
Saturday morning, I drove Tim to his grandparent's house in Bradenton, where he was staying. We went to Anna Maria Island and walked on the beach for a while, and then went to a little restaurant on the beach and had a fabulous appetizer and drank Coronas. It was fabulous. Later on in the day, we ate at St. Armand's Circle, and were trying to figure out what the bar in Sarasota was called and where it was. Our bartender was chatting with us, and we told him that we had been at Chambers, City Side and the Male Room the previous night, and he knew exactly what we were talking about. So he gave us directions to Tri-Angle, and we actually saw him there a little bit after we got there.
Tri-Angle was kinda lame, but I guess fun in its own way. I had a problem with some of the older men there trying to talk to me and get all in my personal space, which is never fun. So Tim and I left the bar and went to Lido beach for a little bit, were almost arrested, and then drove home.
So yeah, today I started my job. Yay. It's not too exciting right now, cuz I'm just trying to learn all this new stuff, but I like it. I need to get some stuff for my office though. It's so empty. I have a desk, 3 chairs, and 2 tables... That's it!!! So if anyone out there paints, you should give me something cool to hang on my walls. I want to get some plants and some random fabulous things to spice it up a bit. I have a 3rd floor view of the parking lot, some buildings, some trees and I think I can even see the lake in the distance...
Well, you know what, that's a long entry, so I guess I'll wrap it up.

Currently listening: Merry Christmas By Mariah Carey Release date: By 01 November, 1994

11:42 PM

Current mood: restless

Yay, so this is my first post on this thing. I'm listening to some fabulous music. I spent the majority of my day today downloading music and videos. I fell in love with the new Lindsay Lohan video for Rumours, so I got the song, but couldn't find the video. I also got the Gwen Stefani song, What Are You Waiting For, as well as a couple remixes. What else... Oh yeah, a Buffy episode from Season 2. I've also been searching in vain for a version of "You Were Always On My Mind" that I heard at Alibi, but no dice. So if anyone has it, lemme know.
So I've spent the majority of my day vegetating, and now I'm bored and think I'm gonna go out with David for a drink or two over in Tampa.


This is a random rant that I wrote earlier on my website: After The Rain
You can read it in its entirety there...

Anyways, work: I was working valet for this guy who didn't pay me any hourly wage and screwed me over several times in a row with crappy jobs where I didn't make any money. So I started working for a valet company that managed parking for the Marriott Waterside in Tampa. I guess it is the only four star hotel in Tampa, but unfortunately, that doesn't mean that people who stay there tip any better. Yeah, but that job sucked because I was only getting paid $2 an hour for 9 hour days, and it was obvious after a couple days that it was totally not worth my even being there. But I wanted to hang onto that job until I got something else, just because I didn't want to be completely broke, and even though it wasn't much, I would at least have enough money to eat and put gas in my car on the days that I worked. Unfortunately, I ended up spraining my knee one night at work. My leg had been getting progressively more and more sore throughout the week, but the last night, it was terrible. So I haven't been working there for about a week.

Last week though, I got a call about an interview that I had been on with a Florida state agency. I got the job and I'm starting on the 29th, which is less than a week away now, but it's driving me crazy not having anything to do in the meantime. I don't want to spend money I don't really have, so I end up sitting at home all day until boredom sets in. But I'm excited about starting this job, I'm gonna have my own office, and work with cool people, and get paid quite well.

So Thanksgiving is Thursday, and it's kinda wierd, cuz I won't be able to go home or be with my family. Thanksgiving isn't a major holiday for me, so I'm not too concerned, but I guess it's gonna be a practice run for Christmas, because I won't get my first real paycheck until right before Christmas and I'll have to spend it on other things this year. I won't be able to get a plane ticket. But right now, I think I'm planning on visiting in the spring. I don't know how it's gonna work, but I'll probably go up for some holiday and spend a couple days in Pittsburgh and a couple in Meadville. That's the plan at least.

Currently listening: Rumours By Lindsay Lohan Release date: By 29 November, 2004

12:48 AM