Here I Am

Current mood: contemplative

On March 17th, 2000, my good friend Jessica Rose passed away. So St Patrick's day is always a reminder of when I found out. Jessica had pneumonia and before I even knew she was in the hospital, I heard that she had died. Tragically enough, the pneumonia didn't kill her, the doctors at Meadville Medical Center punctured her lung while trying to drain fluids. I was a senior in high school, several months away from graduation.
Strangely enough, I've not really told anyone that I've met since then about Jessica. It's kind of a private and really sad thing for me. In high school I had a really close group of friends, and honestly now, I speak to only one or two of those people on a regular basis. The majority of the people I knew from then I have completely lost touch with.
It's been five years since I went to Jessica's funeral. I rode there with Erika, and then came back to an empty apartment. I don't remember where my roommates were, I just remember I felt as empty inside as the apartment was, usually filled with friends... They played Counting Crows, Long December at the funeral- a closed casket.
It just seems so crazy that people that were so important to me at the time, I now don't even know where they are. Sometimes life just seems like it's such a depressing cycle of people coming into my life, and then leaving without a trace. What do I have to show for all the friendships that I've lost. Sometimes I haven't always had the time or energy to keep in touch with people in different cities. I have my own problems and life to worry about, but it just sucks. I miss everyone, even in the present as I struggle to hang onto my friends who now live in different cities or I've grown apart from. Is it even worth trying to hold onto the past, should I just find new friends to replace the old ones. I mean, I guess it's inevitable that that will happen, it just seems to happen too fast, and leaves me feeling empty.

Currently listening: Long December By Counting Crows Release date: By 15 June, 1999

3:07 PM

So I didn't go to work yesterday or today. I woke up yesterday and could barely breath... After a couple minutes of coughing, I managed to call in sick. I felt a little better today, but still not 100%, so I stayed home again. Matt didn't go to class yesterday and stayed here. We stayed in bed most of the day. He made me dinner, and then around 11 we ventured up to Seminole just to get some ice cream from Baskin Robbins.
Matt had to go to work today, so I'm sitting around the house contemplating cleaning my room or doing laundry. I don't know what else I'm gonna do today, it turned out to be an awesome day. I hope one day this weekend is nice enough to go to the beach. I want to get some color. I haven't had any real oppurtunity to tan since before Christmas...
Walter called me this afternoon on his way to work to ask if he could move in sometime next week. I asked if David would be able to take him to get his driver's permit sometime before they have to work, but Walt said David probably wouldn't wake up before he had to be at work. It's funny how David and Asshole tried so hard to get Walter down here, and are completely unwilling to exert even the smallest effort to help him. I thought the whole point of getting him down here was so that he could be better off than he was in Pittsburgh. I'm starting to think there was a more selfish motive involved... hmmm... More on this later I'm sure.
So I will be taking Walter to get his permit on Saturday, I have to find one of the offices that is open limited hours on Saturday, but I know there is one. It's probably a better idea for him to get his permit in Pinellas anyways, since he's gonna be living here.
So yeah, I'm gonna get off of here and clean a little bit while I watch this movie. I'm still working on my website. I think eventually when I get it up and running I'm gonna post my blogs on there. I like having more control over the display and all that. I'll probably still post them on here, I suppose, that's simple enough copy and paste.
Well, if anyone is bored today and wants to hang out, hit me up: johnnyg0017 on AIM. Later ~ johnny

6:30 PM

Current mood: ill

So, new developments of the Matthew kind. Matt emailed me Sunday night and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while. I went over to his house yesterday to talk to him. It was good to see him. Several hours and some makeup sex later, we had resolved some things, and I think we both felt a lot better. Things between us were going really well, and it's my sincere hope that we can get back to that. Also, Matt said three words to me: I love you. It felt good to hear. Matt is the best thing to happen to me in a while. And Matt, I didn't say it back because I don't yet. Yet being the key word in that sentence. I care a lot about you. Unfortunately, I've been through bad situations and I've been hurt before, and I guess it's a tough thing for me. But it will happen, so don't be discouraged.
Anyways, I woke up this morning feeling like shit. My throat is so sore, and I have a general lack of energy. I have this sinus/throat thing that I just cannot seem to kick. I know some other people that have had it and they told me it lasts almost a month off and on. I thought I was over it, but now here I am again, feeling like I just want to lay down and sleep the day away.
Well, I hung out with Walter on Saturday evening, neither of us felt like going out, so we just chilled at my house for a while. I was still feeling ill from the alcohol poisoning I probably had from Friday night. We talked and listened to music, and also looked up car insurance quotes for him. He really needs to get his license and insurance so he can move in. Living with David and Asshole is getting him kinda depressed from what he told me. I can understand that. Living out of suitcases and sleeping on a couch gets you down after a while. And those two aren't exactly the most positive people anyways.
I dunno, I hope everything works out with that. I'm sure it will. I tend to believe in the opposite of Murphy's Law, I forget what it is called though, it's just that everything will work out in the end...

Currently listening: Freshmen [US #1] By The Verve Pipe Release date: By 27 January, 1997

3:01 PM

So I went out last night. I had a lot of fun. Yay. I went to Chambers with my friend Jiganesh. I almost didn't go, cuz Matt told me that he was gonna be there, and I didn't want him or one of his friends to start shit. But Jiganesh convinced me.
I saw David there, he was shady as usual, but came up to me long enough to say, "I'm just drunk enough to tell you why I'm mad at you. I heard what you said about Joe's little friend, and you ashed in his car..." I told him I didn't care, and that he could be mad as long as he wants cause I'm over it. Honestly, David has been my friend for years. Lately though, David has wanted nothing to do with me. I've put so much effort into calling that boy, attempting to hang out with him, etc., to no avail. He doesn't return my phone calls, and when I rarely get to see him, he's drunk and/or stoned. So, I'm done with putting the effort in. I'm tired of the shadyness. So David, too little too late. Sorry. And for the record, yes, I ashed in Adam's car, and I told Joe that his boyfriend had nasty teeth and was ugly. He is... lol. And I don't care who knows that I think so. And that is all that I have to say on that subject.
Anyways, I got pretty drunk last night and was kinda friendly on the dance floor. I saw Ralph, my ex from October there. Last time I saw him was at Chambers in November. It's kinda wierd... lol He was with some guy, of course, and was like, attached at the waist to him all night. I kinda think that's how he is, really clingy. But oh well. We made eye contact and I wasn't sure if it was him, and I saw him checking me out a couple times during the night, which was fun. Um, what else. I saw Lantree and Kevin, my former neighbors from Clearwater. Lantree is very cute, just for the record. I talked to them as they were leaving, but I was quite intoxicated at that point. As everyone was leaving, I introduced myself to this guy, John, that I always see at Alibi. John is adorable, and kinda reminds me of my friend Rodney from PA. I also was talking to Tatiana/JT, John's friend, who was pretty fun.
It was a good time. Unfortunately, I got sick on the car ride home. Thankfully I wasn't driving, that would've been a definite bad thing. I totally started throwing up out the window, I think somewhere along 275. It was gross. Sorry Jiganesh, I'll totally buy you a car wash. I walked in the door of my house and totally ran into a bookshelf and somehow made it to the bathroom, where I sat for a while, unable to throw up anymore. I couldn't really in the first place. I threw up the alcohol and then just heaved. Grossness. All I had to eat yesterday was some chips at lunch. Er, I'm dumb...
Wow, I just went into detail about my regurgitation process, sorry about that. lol
OK, well, today I'm about to work on my website and change my front brake pads. I bought rear brakes shoes, but I need to go to a different store to buy drums, cause mine are kinda rusty and I want new ones! I might just wait until tomorrow to do that. The front pads are easy to change though- they're disc brakes. I've never replaced the rear ones though, and drum brakes are a tad more complicated. Oh well. Me doing car repairs is the gayest thing ever. lol. It'll be especially fun with my hangover... Oh well. Later.

Currently listening: Reflections [Japan Bonus CD] By Paul Van Dyk Release date: By 20 October, 2003

7:19 PM

Current mood: rushed

Hey Everyone!
I'm home on my lunch break from work. Making a list of things I have to do when I'm done with work, and over the weekend. I have to do some shopping for important stuff, get some work done on my car, and work on my newly registered website. I'm excited, it's been a while since I had a domain name. For those of you who don't know, I went to school for web design, but really haven't pursued jobs in that field for a while. I am gonna put up a portfolio, which is exciting.
What else? Well, I'm definitely going out tonite. I had a stressful week and I need to have an enjoyable Friday evening. That's about it for now. I really sould eat on my lunch breaks... lol. That hour always goes by way to quickly for me.
Oh, and on a side note, Memorial Day, I'm going to Pennsylvania for probably about a week. I have some vacation time burning a hole.

Currently listening: Walking Wounded By Everything But the Girl Release date: By 21 May, 1996

3:02 PM

Current mood: betrayed

OK, so I have been dating this boy Matt for almost a month now. I've been spending every spare moment with Matt. I really enjoy being with him and getting to know him. I've been spending so much time with him in fact, that I'm barely home, and when I'm home, he's here too. So my house was a mess, unpaid bills were lying everywhere, you get the picture. I told him that I needed a little bit more time to myself. Apparently that gave him the right to look through the sent text messages on my phone. Oh yeah, while I was sleeping in the bed next to him.
I wake up at 1:30 in the morning on a work night and Matt's pacing my room yelling. I was totally disoriented and didn't know what was going on. He yelled at me, demanding I explain some text messages that I had sent to my ex while I was drunk, and then when I didn't, demanding for his clothes out of my closet. So I grabbed his clothes, and at that point, was just trying to get him out the door before he could wake up my roommates.
Locking the door behind him, I prompty fell back to sleep.
But wait, boys and girls, the fun doesn't end. I just talked to him, and apparently, he went home and talked to my ex. They had a nice little chat, you can read about it here: Joe and Matt.
It really sucks, cuz I liked Matt a lot, and things were going well with him. If only he wasn't paranoid and jealous things could've gone well. And then his journal entry made me feel like shit also. Damn, this is just turning out to be a crappy day.
And OK, bad situation here, my two best friends from Pittsburgh live with Joe, and despite my best efforts, David has been so shady to me for the past month and I don't even know why. I haven't done anything to him. The only day recently he returned my calls was so that I could get him pot. So I dunno, I feel like I've lost Joe, David and Walter as friends and Matt as a boyfriend. It's too much for me to deal with all at once. I really don't have anyone else to talk to... So now I'm gonna listen to some music and make dinner for myself.
Sincerely,
Fucker

Currently listening: Early Years By Madonna Release date: By 22 January, 2002

9:11 PM