The password is your middle name.Matthew, I've tried messaging you several times recently on myspace. I don't know what to do. I know you read my blog, so here is my attempt to talk to you. I can't sleep tonight. It's been a bad couple days. I guess you noticed from the other new entry that I found your xanga account. I googled 'cool_matty' and that's what I came up with. I've been reading for hours. Still not done, but at a point where you have a girlfriend. I guess I've just realized that there is so much I never knew about you. Yeah, I knew the important stuff, but, I guess I was missing the mundane things, the everyday things that slowly, day by day, make you who you are. I was intrigued by your past relationships, cuz I really didn't know anything about them. You had told me how many people you had been with, and I knew about Kerry, who wasn't really mentioned much... Your posts went from crushing on a boy to hating him. I've mostly been reading congruent entries of your blog and michael's. OK, i guess this is maybe a little creepy, me reading things you wrote 2 years ago, but i'm interested. It's kind of like, studying, or reading a book with characters based on people you know. It's interesting to see how you've grown, and also how you and michael wrote differently about the same things. i guess it made me realize how not special i am to you. i wasn't the first person you were in love with, and i definitely wasn't the first person that you were with. it makes me sad, i always valued your innocence, and did what i could to preserve it. though those efforts blew up in my face, and i guess in trying to keep things from you, i hurt you more. at once i feel like i know you better and i don't know you at all. i wish i could get to know you in any real kind of way, but i don't think i'll ever see you again. it's so hard not knowing what's going on with you. let me just say, also, that i realize how terrible i was to you. probably the last 10 times i've talked to you, i was an asshole. i think the last time i talked to you was the day we were supposed to go see a movie or something together, and i had told you that i wanted to try to work things out previously on the phone. you offered to come over here, even though you really wanted me to see your new apartment. and i told you that everything i said was a lie. i wanted you in my life so bad. i just didn't know where you fit... friend? lover? boyfriend? i couldn't figure it out. i guess relationships, and love, especially, make me forget which way is up. there's always the desire to throw myself into something passionate and intense, not knowing how it's gonna turn out. and then there is the other side of me that analyzes every situation, going over possible outcomes in my mind... i guess i just wanted to get to know you better. all of you, not just what you wanted me to see. i always feel that that can't really be done in a relationship, cuz you're so worried about making your partner happy. i always tried to be very honest with you, which i think freaked you out more than once. there were things that i did hold back, because i thought they would be hurtful, but those things aren't who i am, just mistakes i've made... i dunno, maybe that is who i am. obviously, you've made up your mind. i miss hearing your voice, and thinking that i can't call you. your birthday is coming up soon, so, since i can't see you, happy early birthday. it hasn't even been a year since i first sat at starbucks and noticed how much i liked everything about you... and in the span of the year, i've managed to once more, lose more than i've gained. i do care about you, matthew. you'll never know how much i love you. i never knew how to make you believe. Love, Johnathan Ryan