A beautiful boy wrote this: [You know who you are ;)]

Monday, August 01, 2005

Holding on to a lost fight.
Current mood: cynical

Maybe they were right, but I still can't find the courage to give up.

What happened to the days when life came so easy to me. I don't know if it is my choices in life that have led me to where I am, or if I am part of a cookie cutter factory that makes me just like the others. Searching desperately for my identity, feeling that I am pulling further away, how could I be running in the wrong direction when I felt so lost while flowing with the current?

Understanding the vicissitudes of life comes too easy to me. Ask me 5 years ago I would have laughed cause my life was better than your's only because I didn't know the difference. Naivity, Karma, Assembly line, what is it that makes things the way they are?...destiny? I used to think that life was in our own hands, and I still refuse to accept otherwise, eventhough vicissitude is playing her cards right. As I am losing 3-10, in a memory of unforgetable strength. She gives me hope as she tears me down. How could she be so amazingly stong while I know she suffers as I do? What is her secret? Something that I could only hope to understand myself but will stay locked up inside of her until I figure it out on my own. (If this doesn't make sense to you it is only because you don't know. But I feel the relief from telling it.)

Things come and go, but the one thing that remains is me. I am still here, and nothing will ever change that, not even death. It is my life, and my death, and not anyone elses. "Just give up" I say to myself, but it's impossible because I will still be me and nothing will ever change that.

How do you all do it? Wake up in the morning and realize who you are and what you are. How do you forget about everything else and smile and scream and laugh and fight, yet I am the schizophrenic because I happen to think that green and purple look good together. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is my life in control of my color choices, because if so then I choose blue. To me it's empowering, ambitious, eternal, comforting, and successful.

But no matter what, I still have a string of yarn that I am hanging onto, and until that string is cut, I will refuse to give in and believe that they were right.